I know most of you haven't bought me a Christmas present yet. I'm sure it's just an oversight; I've got a few more to pick up myself.
To save you all the trouble and bother of the malls, I've found the ideal gift for you to leave under my tree.
No, not that
This property has everything I'd need to make me happy:
- Gates to keep out
folks who read my blogriffraff and poaching scum
tired, oldrustic looking house for me and my family and a limited number of you whom I actually like as long as you keep your visits short and ply me with extravagant gifts.
- A bell which I'd ring in the early morning as a way to encourage hangers-on, dead beat relatives and riffraff who got past the gates to move to quieter places that aren't owned by me.
- A shuffleboard court (or whatever you call the place shuffleboard is played). I've never been on a cruise and now I wouldn't have to go on one just to play shuffleboard. My kids could practice and get shuffleboard scholarships to elite universities.
- "a two-mile trout stream running through the property" upon whose banks I could start a private club force feeding rainbow trout with trout chow and charging my personal friends upwards of $80,000 to catch them.... wait a minute, I think that's already been done.
- Several small streams at which I'd hold small stream conclaves and invite all the small stream blogger brethren and sistren to so that we could fish and dance and sing and play other reindeer games.
One of you must have bought it!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I can't wait until Christmas morning!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!*
*Regardless of whether you contributed to this wondrous and generous gift or not.