Thursday, September 27, 2012

Hank Patterson ain't nothin'

The Man
I know Hank Patterson is quite the rage these days. From Boise all the way across to Butte and all the places in between people are Snapping It™ and fishing Mating Midge and Morgy flies based upon his advice.

I've always wanted to be a fly fishing expert but lacking experience I always felt like that might be an impediment to expertise. But the early lessons of T.J. Brayshaw and now the inspiration of Hank have caused me to revisit this conclusion.

As such, I'd like you to test your knowledge of fly fishing against mine. Hopefully you'll learn a thing or two and read this blog with a touch more respect and earnestness in the future. I'll provide the answer key tomorrow.

1) A "Stimulator" is:
  1. Damn, you have a dirty mind....
  2. An attractor fly pattern developed by Randall Kaufman though some say it was someone else.
  3. A double shot of espresso and a PBR.
  4. The mating dance of a Yellowstone Panda Bear
2) A rabbit's foot is best used for:
  1. A high floating wing material for dry flies and emergers as made famous by Tom Rosenbauer, Orvis fly fishing expert, in his eponymous Rosenbauer Rabbit's Foot Emerger
  2. Hopping down the bunny trail
  3. Dipping in barbeque sauce and secretly placing in the back of your buddy's vest when a bear approaches.
  4. A chew toy for your fishing dog.*
3) A Cutbow is:
  1. A First Nation (i.e. Native American or, as John Wayne used to say, "Injun") tool used to perform minor oral surgery.
  2. A hybrid of a Rainbow Trout and a Cutthroat Trout despised by conservationists and fisheries biologists and valued by apathetic anglers everywhere.
  3. A new tool in the Leatherman™  lineup used by Idaho bow hunters during elk season.
  4. There is no "d", the answer is above.
4) When measuring the length of a fish one should:
  1. Measure from the tip of the nose to the fork of the tail
  2. Measure from the tip of the nose to the tip of the tail.
  3. Why measure, you know how long it is.
  4. Ask your buddy to measure it so as to get the most accurate, independent measurement.**
5) When fishing a dropper fly in a nymph rig it is best to:
  1. Tie the fly to the bend of the hook on the upper fly
  2. Tie the fly to the eye of the upper fly.
  3. Tie the fly to the tag end of the tippet knot.
  4. You think too much. Put the damn thing wherever you want. The fish don't give a crap.
    6) A strike indicator*** should be placed how far up the leader:
    1. You use a strike indicator?! You should learn to euro nymph.
    2. 1.5 times the water depth, more or less, depending on streamflow.
    3. Who the hell cares! Halford didn't nymph fish and neither do I.
    4. A far as you need to catch bottom. If you ain't losing flies, you're not catching fish.
     7) Stream-cred often comes from the brands you chose. Which brand should you display to appear most credible to other anglers?
    1. Simms
    2. Orvis
    3. Pabst Blue Ribbon
    4. Macallan
    8) You're fishing a spot of water and a guy walks by and asks you how it's going. You answer that you're catching a few. He asks you what they're hitting. You:
    1. Vaguely describe the size and color
    2. Tell him the specific pattern and size
    3. Say, "Wooley Buggers and Pheasant Tails!", unless that's actually what they're hitting.
    4. Give him your best crazy stare muttering unintelligibly while returning to your fishing.
    9) When wade fishing for Carp what weight rod should you use:
    1. Weight? What the hell does that mean?
    2. A five weight. There's nothing like the sound of big golden bones snapping graphite.
    3. Carp? Aren't those glorified gold fish? I can't believe people fish for them.
    4. An eight weight with a reel with a solid drag.. You need some backbone to land freshwater bones.
    10) Tenkara is:
    1. Fishing with a glorified radio antenna from a 1972 Dodge Dart.
    2. A fly fishing technique from Japan practiced with a long telescoping rod and no reel. The word Tenkara means "from heaven"
    3. Practiced only by slightly odd people.
    4. Something we'll all eventually try so we might as well give in.
    See you tomorrow for the answers!

    * As fellow expert brethren John Gierach points out, there's no such thing as a fishing dog.
    ** But remember, this is the same guy you asked to watch your PBR and that didn't go so well.
    *** Bobber


      1. Are you going.g to post the answers?

        1. Yes. Tomorrow.

          As stated twice in the post.

          You were so eager to answer the questions I see that you didn't read the rest of it. Deduct 10 points from tomorrow's score as a penalty.

      2. there were no questions about beads...treble hooks or dynamite... I think I just did poorly on this test...

        1. Those are all advanced topics. I wanted to start with the basics. Clearly your skills speak volumes.

      3. I think you've been listening to those voices in your head again.

        1. I'd like to blame it on the scotch, but you're probably right about those voices.