Friday, September 28, 2012

The Answers

Sit back and learn. Don't be angry. Just accept.
Not just for breakfast anymore!

1) A "Stimulator" is:
  1. Damn, you have a dirty mind....
  2. An attractor fly pattern developed by Randall Kaufman though some say it was someone else.
  3. ✓ A double shot of espresso and a PBR.
  4. The mating dance of a Yellowstone Panda Bear
While I know that an undulating Yellowstone Panda can be quite intoxicating to those of you who have witnessed this rare beast, all the big guides know the way to burn off the morning fog is a double shot and a bit of the Hair o' the Dog. Now that's Stimulatin'! Especially if they have to spend a day rowing your sorry ass around the river catching nothin'.

The best of both worlds. And
 Grizzly's prefer it two to one
over Jack Daniels.
2) A rabbit's foot is best used for:
  1. A high floating wing material for dry flies and emergers as made famous by Tom Rosenbauer, Orvis fly fishing expert, in his eponymous Rosenbauer Rabbit's Foot Emerger
  2. Hopping down the bunny trail
  3. ✓ Dipping in barbecue sauce and secretly placing in the back of your buddy's vest when a bear approaches.
  4. A chew toy for your fishing dog.*
I've tried to use elk feet for such but have run into two problems: 1) They just don't soak up the barbecue sauce like bunny legs and B) try jamming one of those things in the back of a fly vest without being noticed. Stealth is the key. And being upwind of the walking dinner bell.

3) A Cutbow is:
  1. A First Nation (i.e. Native American or, as John Wayne used to say, "Injun") tool used to perform minor oral surgery.
  2. A hybrid of a Rainbow Trout and a Cutthroat Trout despised by conservationists and fisheries biologists and valued by apathetic anglers everywhere.
  3. A new tool in the Leatherman™  lineup used by Idaho bow hunters during elk season.
  4. ✓ There is no "d", the answer is above.
Why do you look at me so stupidly? Of course the answer is above. You are no expert.

4) When measuring the length of a fish one should:
  1. Measure from the tip of the nose to the fork of the tail
  2. Measure from the tip of the nose to the tip of the tail.
  3. ✓ Why measure, you know how long it is.
  4. Ask your buddy to measure it so as to get the most accurate, independent measurement.**
The opening on my net is 17 inches long. Any fish that fits in it is therefore 17 inches long. Everything that doesn't, is bigger, let's say 20 inches. Why is this so difficult?

Maybe there is a wrong way to
rig a hopper-dropper-dropper-
5) When fishing a dropper fly in a nymph rig it is best to:
  1. Tie the fly to the bend of the hook on the upper fly
  2. Tie the fly to the eye of the upper fly.
  3. Tie the fly to the tag end of the tippet knot.
  4. ✓ You think too much. Put the damn thing wherever you want. The fish don't give a crap.
Now I could cite the many quantitative studies that have been done to distinguish one set-up from another but they don't exist. I use method "a". But there's nothing anyone can say that would convince me that it's the right way. Or the wrong way for that matter. It's just the way I do it.
    6) A strike indicator*** should be placed how far up the leader:
    1. You use a strike indicator?! You should learn to euro nymph.
    2. 1.5 times the water depth, more or less, depending on streamflow.
    3. Who the hell cares! Halford didn't nymph fish and neither do I.
    4. ✓ A far as you need to catch bottom. If you ain't losing flies, you're not catching fish.
    Now I understand how much Hank, and you, regret losing an eighty-nine cent fly. But when the fishies are on nymphs, they're on the bottom. Get down. Get dirrrrty. Start with five BB split shot and add more as necessary. Use a larger bobber indicator if necessary.

    What they're drinking when
    you've gone home.
     7) Stream-cred often comes from the brands you chose. Which brand should you display to appear most credible to other anglers?
    1. Simms
    2. Orvis
    3. ✓ Pabst Blue Ribbon
    4. ✓ Macallan
    You might have noticed that there are two correct answers here. That's because it's a reverse mullet answer; party in the front, business out back. When the sports, that's all of you, are around the guides are all "PBR". But when you're back at your cheap motel nursing your wounded psyches, they're drinking the good stuff. Scotch. Bourbon. Miller High Life.

    8) You're fishing a spot of water and a guy walks by and asks you how it's going. You answer that you're catching a few. He asks you what they're hitting. You:
    1. Vaguely describe the size and color
    2. Tell him the specific pattern and size
    3. ✓ Say, "Wooley Buggers and Pheasant Tails!", unless that's actually what they're hitting.
    4. Give him your best crazy stare muttering unintelligibly while returning to your fishing.
    I don't often tell another person what I'm using, but when I do, I lie. That's right, you need to lie. All the fish are yours and you're a fool if you share hard won intel on how to get 'em. The most convincing and confounding lie is the one that, even if it sounds like a lie, may actually be true. That's the beauty of "Wooley Buggers and Pheasant Tails". Sure you said it like the surly wise-ass that you are, but maybe, just maybe, it's what you're catching them on. Best said while you're tying on a large dry fly.

    In order to fish for carp, you'll need
    carp flies. Carp Flies. Get it? Carp...
    flying... oh forget it.
    9) When wade fishing for Carp what weight rod should you use:
    1. Weight? What the hell does that mean?
    2. A five weight. There's nothing like the sound of big golden bones snapping graphite.
    3. ✓ Carp? Aren't those glorified gold fish? I can't believe people fish for them.
    4. An eight weight with a reel with a solid drag.. You need some backbone to land freshwater bones.
    Clearly they're goldfish. Exotic, mutantly large, strong, wily goldfish, but goldfish nonetheless. Sure they rip line off the reel like a bonefish and they're available to practically anyone, anywhere. And folks in Europe actually consider them a game fish. But what's so special? 

    10) Tenkara is:
    1. Fishing with a glorified radio antenna from a 1972 Dodge Dart.
    2. A fly fishing technique from Japan practiced with a long telescoping rod and no reel. The word Tenkara means "from heaven"
    3. Practiced only by slightly odd people.
    4. ✓ Something we'll all eventually try so we might as well give in.
    Tenkara is Japanese for
    "Dodge Dart." Maybe
    this can be the next Clyde
    Like carp fishing, Tenkara is one of those fads that I absolutely want to resist but I feel the gravitational pull of.... something. I suppose it won't be too long before I'm losing those goofy looking Tenkara flies in stream side brush and whipping my Dodge Dart antenna about small streams everywhere. Tenkara Carp*, anyone?

    • Give yourself one point for every correct answer
    • Subtract ten points for every incorrect answer
    • Add 100 points to the total if you consider yourself an expert.
    • Less than zero points: Remedial action is clearly necessary. You should subscribe to this blog and follow my advice precisely.
    • Zero or more points: Congratulations, you are an expert! As such you are approved to comment on this blog.

    Enjoy your weekend, expert, you've earned it.

    *Sorta sounds like something you'd find on the menu at a Japanese restaurant.


    1. Very clever! This started my day with some much needed humor.

    2. I answered false to the last question. Does that still count?

      1. You are ready for the advanced class. Only a true expert could see through the meta-question to the true question below. By being the uncarved block and listening to the sound of one hand clapping you have transcended expertise and entered a new realm of knowledge and wisdom. Well done!

    3. I got 111 points... shake and bake babey! Im gonna go open up an Orvis based flyshop and be richhhhhhhhh.................

      1. Your math skills are only matched by your expertise as a fly angler.

        Wouldn't that be a great video -- Ricky Bobby being guided by Hank Patterson. I'd pay to see that.

    4. As a representative of the American Education Coalition For Education, Intelligence and Education, I must point out your use of PBR renders your test invalid for inclusion in the American Suite Standardized Testing For Purposes of Measuring America's Progress In Education, Intelligence and Education.

      In other words, try again with a better beer, or accept statistical invalidation as your ultimate fate.

      1. Crap, I didn't realize the AECFEIE had standards. I certainly want to score better on the ASS Test.

        How about:

        Q1: A double shot of espresso and a Moose Drool
        Q7: c) Miller High Life

        Hoping to retain my certification.....

    5. Pretty funny Steve, I nice antidote for a Fri afternoon in the office. I actually get good information when I ask what people are fishing with. Tend to be accurate when I tell them but must try the wooly bugger and ptail response next time.

      1. Thanks, Steve. I'm going in search of an antidote shortly as well. Perhaps a few casts to a brook trout if the streams aren't too swollen from last night's rain. Of course, there's always Macallan as well....

        Wooley Buggers and Pheasant Tail dreams to all!